• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Troubled Teens

  • Home
  • Submit Questions
  • Contact Us
  • Sitemap
    • Disclaimer
    • Privacy Policy

Parenting

Should You Serve Alcohol at Your Teen’s Party?

Last updated on April 6, 2017 by TT Staff Leave a Comment

teenagers drinking alcohol relaxing
The logic seems compelling – in favor of allowing underage drinking in private homes with parental supervision. After all, a thoughtful parent can recognize the signs of danger and respond if the drinking gets out of hand. And what safer environment is there, than your own home?

Conventional wisdom associated with permissive parenting says that if your teen is denied access, he or she will overindulge the minute there is access — and without any supervision. If anything, hosting a party in your home seems like the safest way to go. However, as smart as it might sound, it’s rooted in mythology, not reality.

Early Access Leads to Addiction

Did you know that a staggering 90% of addictions begin during the teenage years? Those numbers are true for both U.S. and European youth. Early access might logically seem to lead to more responsible drinking practices, but in reality, the opposite is true.

In fact, underage drinking and parental supply separately influence alcohol and drug dependence and abuse: Your teen is actually less at risk for addiction if they sneak away to get a drink than if you hand it to them, in your home. Those teens whose parents stick to their guns and refuse to allow them access to alcohol, while discouraging alcohol and drug use even after the legal drinking age, are most likely to be protected from the many adverse effects of alcohol.

teen boy drinking alcohol at party

Safe Underage Drinking Is Impossible

If you don’t believe me, take it from actress and bestselling author Melissa Gilbert: “There really is no safe way for teenagers and underage kids to drink alcohol. Parents – even well-intentioned parents – who allow kids to do so in their homes are under the false sense of security that it’s less dangerous. But there’s more harm than good in their actions.”

Now a spokesperson for the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, Gilbert had her own negative experience with alcohol addiction.

In addition to the physical and life-long dangers to your kids, providing opportunities for underage drinking puts you at risk for legal consequences; while “social hosting” laws vary by state and can mean lawsuits and fines for parents who host.

Celebrating Without Alcohol Is Key

From New Year’s Eve to Prom to Graduation, parents have many opportunities to demonstrate responsible, alcohol-free celebrations. Just because you shouldn’t host an underage drinking party doesn’t mean you shouldn’t entertain your teen’s friends!

Teaching your teen to plan a party, coordinate décor and activities around a theme, and even order or prepare favorite foods and non-alcoholic beverages can be an exciting exercise in promoting responsible choices. Between alcohol and technology, teens often lack imagination about how to entertain themselves and actually interact with one another socially. You can easily find ideas for party games and themes like glow parties online.

Image credits: Top © Dangubic/Fotolia; 2nd © yanlev/Fotolia

Filed Under: Addictions, Parenting

Is Modesty Worth the Fight? (Part 2)

Last updated on March 31, 2017 by TT Staff Leave a Comment

putting on lipstick at the mirrorInstead of keeping parents from addressing modesty with teens (see Part 1), the fact that there are more important issues in life can actually help motivate such conversations.

Appearance Can Become an Idol

While some types of modesty training could potentially increase the propensity for obsessing about the outward appearance, spiritually motivated biblical teaching centers around the principle that we shouldn’t be focused on the outward at all.

Whether a person’s tendency is to wear clothing that draws attention, clothing that reveals, clothing that fits in with the latest trends, or simply clothing that matches perfectly, we veer from God’s purpose when we focus on our clothing more than on our character. Whether it’s to please the fashionista within or gain attention or approval from others, a focus on externals robs us of valuable time and energy (and usually finances) that could more wisely be invested in eternal things (Matthew 6:21).

happy familyHeart Attitude Is Significant

The fact that outward appearance is less significant than the heart should not cause us to ignore the images we project — or how our children are forming theirs. While only God can truly see our hearts, the fact remains that our appearance does say something about what’s in our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). One author says it this way: “What we choose to wear still tells others who we are and whom we love. . . .  Out of the abundance of the heart, our clothing speaks.”

That loose paraphrase of Luke 6:45 gets at the crux of the matter: If someone is dressing to get attention — or if they are spending an inordinate amount of time and energy on outward appearance — there are priorities out of kilter that need to be addressed.

Teenage Needs Require Wise Responses

teen girl grinningAs parents, we can thank God for opportunities to see when our children’s hearts need counsel; at the same time, we cannot assume that we know exactly what the heart problem is. For instance, people who dress in sensually revealing ways may be indicating their sexual desire, or they may simply be motivated by a desire to fit in, look attractive, or get the attention they crave.

We may need to probe to find out exactly what problem lies at the root of immodest dress, but we would be amiss as parents to ignore such an obvious indication of spiritual need. As we teach our teens to put off the sensual, narcissistic tendencies of the flesh, we need to help them replace those things with others-focused choices that honor God (Philippians 2:3; 1 Timothy 2:9, 10).

While it can be good and helpful to think through specific applications of the biblical principle of modesty, God’s Word does not lay out exact standards of dress. We need to evaluate what message specific clothing sends within our culture and individual subcultures. However and wherever we decide to “draw the line,” the most important aspect of addressing the topic of modesty is that we realize it’s about much more than what people do or do not see: It is a matter of the heart.

Filed Under: Behavior & Emotions, Parenting

Is Modesty Worth the Fight? (Part 1)

Last updated on March 24, 2017 by TT Staff Leave a Comment

spaghetti straps shirtMany parents of teens become quite fond of the phrase “choose your battles.” For a growing number of parents, the battles they choose may include fighting for sexual purity while letting blatant immodesty slide. First, we’ll take some time to evaluate common reasons for not addressing it; in Part 2, we’ll look at some even better reasons to put it on your parenting agenda.

Fear of Obsession with Appearance

In a culture where Colbie Caillat’s music video for her song “Try” goes viral, it seems women are getting tired of feeling like they need to take a lot of effort with their appearance. In many ways, that is a good thing. So many women in our society have hang-ups about their bodies and beauty.

above the knee dressIn a world where we’re already so tempted to obsess about our appearance, adding the concern of modesty understandably causes some parents to fear that they’d be teaching their daughters to feel ashamed of their bodies or struggle even more with obsessing over how they look and what they wear. From eating disorders to “selfie obsession,” we certainly live in a world that has made outward appearance into an idol, and concerns over that are absolutely legit!

Fear of Pharisaical Attitudes

When He walked on this earth, Jesus Christ harshly rebuked the Pharisees; they’re definitely not good role models for us nor for our kids. Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, the Pharisees “intensified” the laws God gave them, to the neglect of their hearts (Matthew 23:27). Those are very real and very relevant concerns, mainly because they include twisting God’s Word — a very serious offense! (Deuteronomy 12:32, Revelation 22:19)

It is certainly important that we communicate not only what kind of behavior God desires, but also what kinds of attitudes and motivations we have (Proverbs 20:11, Psalm 19:14). Self-righteousness and pride fly in the face of the Gospel of grace (Ephesians 2:9, James 4:6).

Fear of Failure and Rejection

mother by sonWhile the first two reasons for neglecting the topic of modesty do have some validity, this last one is clearly tied to a fear of man and problem priorities (Proverbs 29:25, Colossians 3:23). While Scripture teaches the general principle of sowing and reaping, we can’t obey God’s Word only when we think it will go well, nor can we teach our kids only the parts we think they’ll be likely to accept; in fact, to do so presents the opposite problem of the Pharisees (Deuteronomy12:32).

We cannot neglect to teach on a topic simply because God’s standards are far from the cultural norm. Instead of fearing people — even our own children — we need to fear God and obey Him (Ecclesiastes 12:13).

In Part 2, we’ll look at how these concerns do not have to mean that we fail to address the topic of modesty; instead, they will help us determine how we address this difficult topic with our kids.

Filed Under: Behavior & Emotions, Parenting

Beyond “Because I Said So” (Part 3)

Last updated on March 12, 2017 by TT Staff Leave a Comment

girl and father fighting over tv remoteTeens have different needs than younger children, so parenting them means making some transitions. In addition to offering explanations for how you’ve made decisions (Part 1) and fielding their questions (Part 2), it’s important that you provide guided experiences and give constructive feedback. This pattern will help set the stage for your role as mentor, a role which you hope your teen will continue to allow you to fill as he transitions into adulthood.

Providing Guided Experiences

What you don’t want is for a teen who’s never made his or her own decisions to go out into the world and have the first independent decisions to be big ones with high stakes. It’s okay to let your child try and fail; failure is part of life, and we all need to learn how to handle failure without a defeated attitude or despairing thoughts. Even a bad decision can provide additional opportunities to guide your teen through choices. The important thing is to ask questions to help your teen think through potential problems and assess the risks before making decisions or engaging in various activities.

smiling mother with teenage daughterSomething as simple as your daughter’s wanting to stay up all night to complete a project or study for a test can provide an opportunity for guidance. You might ask her about the potential negative consequences from lack of sleep, considering her responsibilities the next day. After helping her assess the situation, you allow her to make her choice.

Let’s say she chooses to stay up but then falls asleep during class the next day, keeping her from being able to even complete the test for which she studied. That natural consequence can provide a more memorable lesson than a parental intervention ever would. However, if the next day’s activities include her driving, you as parent might intervene for your child’s safety, as well as that of others.

Giving Constructive Feedback

father reassuring teen sonConstructive feedback has the goal of helping your teen make better choices in the future. Since the aim is increased confidence and self-sufficiency, there is no place for name-calling or derogatory language. This is not punishment for a poor choice, but a sort of modeling of self-analysis. Unless major risks to safety or illegal or immoral behavior have been an issue, this time should be focused positive discussion in which you don’t lecture your teen, but ask questions to guide him or her in evaluating the outcome of his or her choices.

Hopefully, your teen will then ask you for input about the situation. Providing too much opinion can backfire, though; you want to encourage your teen to think through situations and make wise choices. You want to encourage your teen to ask you for advice, not to create a clone of yourself that will make choices identical to yours.

This same basic format can be used for a variety of life skills and choices, as you determine the skills and decision types you know your teen will need to be able to perform as an independent adult.

Filed Under: Communication, Parenting

Beyond “Because I Said So” (Part 2)

Last updated on March 2, 2017 by TT Staff Leave a Comment

consolationAs you transition (read Part 1) from being caregiver for a child to mentoring your teen, you will benefit from starting with a plan for times of offering explanations, fielding questions, providing guided experiences, and giving constructive feedback. It’s important to plan ahead for communication during times of non-conflict in order to effectively instruct and discuss how to make decisions and perform necessary tasks. While teens can earn a “because I said so” response when they’re questioning a directive, at the end of the day, they really do need to know “why” so they can make their own wise choices, someday.

Offering Explanations

You have reasons for decisions you’ve made about everything from the food you stock in the fridge to the vehicle you drive. In all probability, most of what’s behind the scenes – providing reasons for your decisions – has been completely unknown to your teen. Until now. Have you chosen to drive an older vehicle so you can get ahead on payments or avoid them altogether, allowing you to save up for a special trip or home renovation? Have you limited extracurricular activities in order to preserve some semblance of family life, never mind sanity?

teen boy and father chattingFrom finances to health, relationships to education, your teen will likely be surprised at how carefully you’ve made decisions — even ones that he or she dislikes. You need not plan formal times for explanation, but having an agenda with things to mention, as opportunities arise, can be helpful. You certainly don’t have to reveal the details of your salary or bank account, but helping your teen understand how to make financial choices requires some detail.

Fielding Questions

Even if you’ve thought through a decision carefully and believe that you chose wisely, your teen may have questions that make you feel like you need to defend your decision. You don’t. In fact, you can probably cite plenty of choices you’ve made that didn’t turn out to be the best. Feel free to share them, too.

dad helping teen daughter with homeworkPerhaps as your teen thinks through the situation, he or she will suggest a different route than what you took. Try not to be insulted: This kind of problem-solving discourse is an important aspect of your teen’s development. If their conclusions are different from yours, but their logic is good, let them know. Of course, if there are important things they’ve failed to consider, you’ll want to mention that, as well. It’s not about their having to agree with you, but about their learning how to think through scenarios that are somewhat theoretical. This is a safe way for them to learn how to make their own decisions.

In conjunction with these pre-emptive communications, you’ll need to give your teen opportunities to practice problem-solving and decision-making skills. In Part 3, we’ll discuss how to provide guided experiences and offer feedback in ways that provide constructive mentoring.

Filed Under: Communication, Parenting

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Struggling with Your Teen?

Have a question about something you're facing with your teenage son or daughter? Ask us! Just click here and share your question.

Boarding School Reviews

Get your boarding school or youth residential treatment program reviewed here. Looking for a marketing agency? Contact us.

Popular Posts

  • Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Controversy Surrounds "Bully" Movie
  • The Risks of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Signs and Symptoms of Huffing
  • Teens and Rape Victim Blame

Recent Articles

  • Teen Shoplifting
  • Is Scripture Irrelevant to Contemporary Teens?
  • Fostering Academic Success at Home: Structuring Study Schedules and Spaces, Part 2
  • Underage Drinking: More of a Problem Than You May Think
  • Communication Overload
  • Combating Teen Obesity
  • What Technology Reveals About Today’s Teens, Part 2
  • What’s Your Excuse? Don’t Pretend, Be Real
  • Why “Fifty Shades” Is Dangerous (For You and Your Teen)
  • Parents: Look to Hollywood Movies for Parenting Tips

Reader Feedback

  • Tara on Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • TNH on Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Sharaaz Khan on Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Dionne Duarte on Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Clarice A. on Teen Bedwetting
  • Margaret Campbell on Causes of Sexual Promiscuity in Teens
  • Elizabeth on The Sexting Problem
  • Lisa Arquette on Handling Hard Questions: Having Empathy for the Ache
  • L. C. H. on 3 Reminders for Dealing with Rebellious Teens
  • Peter D'Angelo on Which Kids Stay in the Church?

Copyright © 2023 TroubledTeens.biz · All Rights Reserved