For Parents of Teens

As we model the humility that change requires, we definitely need a realistic view of our own sinfulness and need for God’s grace. But if we keep our story to ourselves and only utter philosophical or general admission of our own shortcomings, we’re missing out. And so is the teen who’s carefully watching us.

We Benefit from Our Own Confession

In Evangelical churches, we may all breathe a sigh of relief at not having to confess our sins to a priest or pastor. But James 5:16 actually encourages us to confess our sins to one another! No hiding behind carefully managed masks, no pretense. If the humility to admit our shortcomings to God is hard, this is even harder: admitting our own sinfulness to fellow sinners.

Romans 12:2 describes the Christian life as one of constant transformation — rather than instant conformity that requires no continued growth. When we constantly find ourselves sensing our own sinfulness and the need for grace to change, we’re achieving exactly what God wants for us. This transformation is hard, but it brings more joy to Heaven than perfect behavior (Luke 15:7) — probably because the only truly perfect person is Jesus Christ, anyway. And those who think they don’t need to change are self-deceived.

Others Benefit from Our Confession

In addition to helping us realize greater humility and tap into God’s grace for continual transformation, God can use our own confession to help others in their own journeys, too. How, exactly, does it help others to know we’ve blown it, and that we’ve repented?

First, they can appreciate God’s grace in our hearts, prompting our humility. If they know us (and their own hearts) well at all, they’ll recognize that break from our prideful desire to present ourselves well and realize that God is doing a transforming work in our hearts. That effect, in itself, brings God glory and does others good.

But if that person is struggling with sin as well, our open confession can be a tool God uses to prompt their own repentance. Sometimes a person may be dealing with similar sin and will be able to benefit even more specifically through hearing your story.

Our Relationships Benefit from Our Confession

God wants us to grow closer to Him and one another, and through confession, we can achieve both. When we recognize our common sinfulness and need for God to intervene, we share a bond. When we encourage one another through accountability, we form relationships that go beyond the surface level. Not only do we benefit from such deepening relationships, but those who see how God is transforming us and our relationships will recognize the love we share (John 13:35).

If we’re surprised at how God can use our weakest points to drive us closer to Him and to each other, we shouldn’t be. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul describes God’s propensity for using human weakness to showcase His great strength. As we constantly renew our minds and sing new songs, God will use our stories to prompt change in others (Psalm 40:3).

Maybe that concept of that last post rubbed you the wrong way. After all, you came to this website looking for advice on how to change your teen, not yourself! The idea of God using your teen to reveal your own needs is pretty humbling stuff. But God is like that. He uses all of us in each others lives in the process of change that won’t be complete until we see Him, face-to-face. Let’s take a step back, and consider how He changes us — with a focus on our own hearts, instead of our teens.

We’re All Sinners

Sometimes, in all our “should-ing,” we forget. We forget that we’re all sinners, and we all fall short of God’s holy standard. None of us is where we “should” be (Romans 3:10). Paul describes this inner conflict in Romans 7: “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”

If he can be that transparent, why can’t we? It’s okay for our teens to know that we struggle and we sin. The truth is, they know it already. They need to know that we know it, too. And it bothers us. And sometimes we try hard, but we blow it anyway.

We All Need God’s Grace

The truth is that sometimes we don’t admit our own failures to our teens because we’re not admitting them to ourselves or to God. That’s a very dangerous place to be. Maybe we’re comparing ourselves to others (maybe even our own kids), and we measure up pretty well. But 2 Corinthians 10:12 reminds us that “comparing ourselves by ourselves” is foolish and pointless.

If our purpose is to draw closer to God, we have to give up our prideful self-protective facades. Only when we admit we need it, will we be able to receive God’s grace. If we keep pretending we don’t need it, though, we can be guaranteed we won’t be getting it: 1 Peter 5:5 says that God resists, or distances Himself, from prideful people. We might not be able to figure out how to draw close to our teens, but God tells us exactly how to be close to Him, and that path begins with honesty and humility. When we admit our need, we can find grace (Hebrews 4:16).

Just like our teens, we fall short. We sin and struggle and sin again. We need grace. So is it enough to admit our sinfulness in a general sense, as in “we’re all sinners and all need grace”? Nice try, but no, I don’t think we can stop there. To find out why, check out Part 3.

If you’re the parent of a teen who’s struggling, you can probably make a list a mile long of changes you wish your teen would make. But what about yourself, your parenting, your relationships? Now, this isn’t about saying your teen doesn’t need to change. But your own life speaks much more loudly — and convincingly — than any of your lectures. Of course, there are other ways to communicate with your teen besides one-sided sermons, but your actions still speak more loudly. And there’s biblical precedent for that idea, too.

An Argument for Introspection

In Titus 2, “older women” are given the responsibility of having their lives in order, “so that they may” be able to instruct younger women in various aspects of their God-given roles. But there’s more. Luke 6:42 isn’t specifically about older-to-younger relationships, but it still applies. We need to examine ourselves first, before confronting our teens. If we have our facts straight and they’re truly at fault, as parents we still have the authority to offer consequences for their behavior.

But if we’re out of line, ourselves, then our response to their behavior can drive a wedge of rebellion even more deeply into their hearts. If we’re in tune with the idea that God cares about their hearts — and ours — and not just their behavior, we’ll be concerned about this. And when we care about our relationship with our teen, we’ll be reflecting the heart of our (and our teens) Heavenly Father.

A Call for Great Listening

Often, our teens can communicate angrily and unfairly with us, and as their parents, we naturally want to respond by correcting their misconceptions or confronting their attitudes. And there’s certainly a time for that. But even while we consider the parenting needs at hand, we have to take a look at our own responses — both internally and externally. How does God command and equip us to respond to unfair treatment? Are we responding in keeping with the flesh or the spirit? Galatians 5 offers a comparison.

It might seem almost miraculous for your household to be characterized by fruits like joy, peace, and love when your teen is completely opposed to those kinds of virtues, but if God’s Holy Spirit resides with you, such miracles are truly possible! James 1:19 outlines a call to everyone — even parents of teens — that can be reality for you, too: “Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” When we hear our teens hurtful words, we can listen carefully, considering how God might be using them to reveal truth about our own failings, and respond calmly.

If you’re ready to explore more about how God may be transforming your family, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and click over to Part 2.