For Parents of Teens

Would it not be great if you could choose the time and place of your next confrontation with your teen?

Here are just a few points of wisdom regarding conflict. When things don’t go as you know they should, and you find yourself in the middle of a great battle with your teen, and things are potentially careening out of control – stop.

As the adult, we are to be the pacesetter and example. While I know firsthand that this is easier said than done, it should never deter us as parents from striving to set a proper example.

Now let me at least say this, if you have blown it and gotten mad and raised your voice, let this situation be a reminder to you that you don’t want to go there again. Also, if you do blow it, you always lose!

When you get in the heat of the moment, stop and pray (in your mind) and ask God to help you not go there again. While your teen may very well blow it, you don’t have to.

When you need to confront your teen, pick the time and place so you are in control. This will best suit your emotions fully knowing that you will be the target of their anger. You will come out with a win for everyone.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Much of the time we refer to this verse and think of the spiritual aspect of life, but the work ethic aspect found in this verse is important to God also. It is vital to teach your kids right from the beginning that work is a part of life. Performing daily mundane tasks such as cleaning a bedroom, doing the dishes, or taking out the garbage are part of each teenager’s work responsibility. The lesson underlying each task is the “invisible” lesson which helps develop the teenager’s character and prepares them for becoming responsible adults. [Read more…] about Teaching Teenagers about the Importance of Having a Work Ethic

In order to effectively handle conflict as a parent, first, try your best to control your emotions while walking into the conflict; if you lose it, you lose all the way around. Now, I judge myself as a daddy of two girls, ages 16 and 12, knowing that it seems I miss it more than I hit the mark. Remind yourself that the conflict itself is good and not bad, though many times far from enjoyable. Most likely, your child knows where you stand on the issue and what the rule is.

An approach in a touchy situation would be to ask them why they feel this way. Let them talk and relay their opinion before you begin to reason; they want to be heard. You can pick the setting, whether over a cup of coffee somewhere or perhaps during a special lunch or dinner with just mom or dad. In your approach, remember that the main goal of this time with them is to build the relationship.

Allow them to express their feelings. Have your own responses somewhat prepared in advance such as “nothing good can come out of this situation” and/or “putting yourself in that position can only lead to harder decisions you will then have to make.”

At the end of the day, remain stout regarding your decision to uphold your morals and values. Don’t make it a fight. State something along the lines of, “I understand your point of view but it is not time for this yet”; then, perhaps, continue in the conversation with your teen and remain respectful to them and their opinions.

Teens should be at a point where they must begin to choose to take responsibility for their own actions. It’s important to realize that the behavior they choose, unfortunately, will be difficult for you to stop because, if they are attending school, you can’t be with them 24 hours each day, monitoring their behavior. If you do engage in a huge power struggle, attempting to lay the law on your troubled teenager while striving to watch them 24/7, they may only rebel all the more. You are, indeed, at a critical stage. This is not about judging behavior; it is about your teenage son or daughter following the guidelines that have been set forth by you as parents, and they would do themselves well to honor you as parents.

There is a good chance that with prayer and some relationship building you can make it through the latest conflict for their benefit. Remember, “rules without relationship equals rebellion”; therefore, say yes as often as you can and remain firm on the non-negotiable issues.